To every self-described regret mom whose son had a routine circumcision with no major complications:
You've done nothing wrong. You've committed no sin. Your son is fine. He wasn't harmed. He isn't physically, psychologically, or sexually damaged. If he endured some pain at the time, he's in no pain now. He won't grow up to hate you. Stop worrying that he will be sexually crippled - he won't.
YOUR SON IS FINE.
The only person suffering from your regret – is you. You don't deserve to suffer. It's okay to let it go.
Stop feeling sorry - for your son or for yourself. Stop feeling guilty. These emotions are understandable if you've accepted the anti-circumcision propaganda. But they are unhealthy and inappropriate, and they prevent you from moving forward.
If you decided not to circumcise your younger son or future sons – that's fine. If your friends resist your passive-aggressive attempts at "gentle education" and have chosen to circumcise their sons, that's fine, too.
But stop identifying yourself as mired in eternal regret. All parents make decisions that we might have done differently. Changing your view doesn't mean that the decision was wrong. And it isn't healthy to dwell on what might have been. Stop regretting the past. Look forward and know that you are and always have been the best mom for your son.
A message from a former intactivist
Personally, I was regretful from the day that it was done. My adult son and I had been estranged for three years. Once we reconnected, I took the opportunity to apologize to him and profess my guilt. He looked at me like I was a bit insane and told me that he loves his body, he has no regrets, and he asked me to let that useless guilt and regret go.
My son advocates to his friends that circumcision isn't necessary. He speaks up when they are bashing uncut guys, because his little brother is uncut. He shuts his friends down so they don't inadvertently hurt his brother's feelings, and because he hates ignorance.
I had attacked new moms and I had said horrible things right when they could be dealing with post-partum depression. Once I let go of my regret, I started to feel less hostile and angry, and I started listening instead of bashing others for making the same choice that I did more than twenty years ago. Now that I am no longer in the intactivist movement, I have "saved" more babies than I did with angry words and stalking new mothers. I am glad to see how many moms are climbing out of the rabbit hole.
Jeni Evison was a leader in the intactivist keyboard brigade and protested with the Blood Stained Men in Washington DC. Gradually she realized that intactivism had transformed her into a person she didn't like. Today she runs Blocked by Brother K and three other Facebook pages.
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